An · Ever · Changing · Goddess

It's been 4 months now and things are going well despite recent events.
I am now down to 203lbs as of this morning but I feel like I am retaining about 5 lbs of water! I have been having salt, salt, and more salt!
I am ecstatic though because I am no longer dizzy! I guess most of the dizziness was because my blood pressure was so dangerously low for so long. I think I wasn't getting enough hydration or nutrition and it was making me very week.
I have stopped going to the gym for the last couple of weeks. I am trying to be active but just waiting to get stronger before I start a daily routine that I can stick with.

I am on my period once again and what sucks is that I had an 18 day cycle this time around!
I am usually 28 days! But it was a much better period than the last time, so I am hoping and praying that my hormones are balancing themselves out.

There are many changes that I am starting to notice, lots of good things and some not so good things.

I feel better overall and I feel a big difference in the way my body feels.
I move differently and I feel the difference when I cross my legs too ;-)

My boobies are, um, loosing any and all perkiness but they are still big.
Amy commented yesterday on how the fact that I am loosing weight makes my boobs look even bigger than before---so I guess that's the good side, but I am already starting to miss a plumper version of myself.

I mean I hated all the negative, horrible things that came with being overweight but a lot of that has to do with the fact that this world is made for skinny people. The fact that I didn't want to be fat had relatively little to do with my own self love. SO now I have to learn to love the new me, which is hard because I change every day!
But, I figure if puppy can love me SOOOO much every day that I am changing--then I can too!

So, Overall things are going very well and I am slowly learning how to take care of my new and very high maintenance self. I still need to work on the Vitamins and it is a lot easier to drink water, I just need to not dehydrate myself with other things :-)

I can also eat a better portion of food now too, so I am sure that I will feel much better by next month :-)

Just got back from the gym
Puppy came with me again!
Let's hear it for the pup!!!

here are the stats for today:

Time: 35 minutes
Distance: 2.9? I can't remember now :-(
Calories: 460

So things are still going well with the smoking and water and vitamins but today I didn't eat much.

I got a little but of tuna salad but when I tried to eat it I realized that it had onions :-(

and I was running errands all day at work and it's just so much easier NOT to eat.

But I had been up since 6am and by 1 or 2pm my stummy had that icky burning painful feeling and I knew I had to eat something.

when I got home I picked the roast turkey breast off a sandwhich and took the bacon off too. So I'll have to work on eating more often Oh and I didn't have a protein drink today.

But tomorrow I will do better!

So I just got back from the gym.
Puppy and I both went and I did:
time: 33 minutes
distance: 2.9
calories: 420

Today they ordered hawaiian BBQ pizza from papa johns and I was naughty and ate the chicken breast off of one slice.
I also had one of those advant edge berry protein drinks and a liter of water.

so I had a lot more strength and endurance :-)

So, that's two days down and 4 more to go before I can reward myself with a day at the spa.

OH and I still have to take my vitamins.
I had them last night--we bought that new light orange juice so I mixed it with a couple of ounces of that and it went down very well.

So I was good and went to the gym

I got on the crosstrainer for about 30 minutes and burned 400 calories with a distance of 2.5

so that's not bad, but I miss the endorphin rush from doing cardio for an hour or two or three!

I mean it's barely been 3 months--I'm sure my endurance will increase soon enough but it's been rough.

I went to bed early, like before 10pm and when i woke up at 6 this morning I felt exhausted.

My body is definitely not used to exertion yet.

But it's feeling nice...I think I need to spend more time loving my body...Puppy loves my body for me most of the time...but it would be good for me do more yoga or something.

SO it has Officially been 3 months now.
I am at 213 now and my body fat percentage is at about 43% depending on my hydration level.

I am feeling weird lately. I've been emotional and very up and down.
I feel almost manic at times.
I don't know if it is because it's been 3 months and all the medication is now out of my system.
Also because of the hormonal imbalance it could be that a lot of hormones in the fat cells are making me crazy.

I don't know what it could be.

~sigh

I start to feel sort of anxious as well, especially when I think that this should be a time to celebrate...I should be ecstatic right?

I am almost at 3 months Post Op and I am really starting to feel the effects of the weight loss.
I feel lighter and more comfortable

I had surgery April 28th at about 275lbs and 55% body Fat
I'm now 221 and 44% body fat.

I have been having a lot of dizziness and weakness.
Friday morning I was so tired and weak but I could not call in so I took my vitamins on an empty stomach and by the time I got to work had terrible Diarrhea :-(

I just can't win.

~sigh

I am still trying really hard to get enough water every day...
If anyone has any ideas, let me know.
I miss chugging water

There are so many changes in my body.

It's hard to keep up with all of this.

I am trying to find newer and better ways to cope but it's been rough.

I suppose it has to be...no one said that this would be easy right?

I was in so much PAIN last night.

I got my period yesterday and maybe that had something to do with the stomach pain I was having, but I don't know, it seems pretty intense.

Anyway...

My body is looking quite different.

people are noticing more....asking me how much I've lost

I really need to do my yoga every single day

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Most diet plans classify food as public enemy number one. I take a different approach—I want you to make friends with food! Unlike an alcoholic who can abstain from drinking, you can't just eliminate food from your life! Your body needs a healthy, balanced diet in order to thrive and survive! Spend some time today thinking about your approach to food. Do you think food "controls" you? Makes you happy or sad? Makes you good or bad? Comforts you?

After thinking about your current relationship with food, spend some time with this thought: Food is simply fuel—nothing more. It can't "make" you do or feel anything. It can't "solve" anything. It doesn't control you. So stop blaming food. Instead, start looking at how you might be using food in ways that have nothing to do with providing your body with fuel. Figure out other ways to cope. Decide to let your poor friend food off the hook, and take responsibility for your weight and your choices. You can do it! I know you can!
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That was a "Daily Tip" from Denise Austin, you know the aerobics chick.

I thought this was interesting because one of the biggest issues we have to deal with is trying to make Peace with food.

She makes it sound VERY simple and empowering. BUT is it really that simple?

Is Food really just fuel?
Not Really.
Food is a drug in a sense because it triggers hormones and physical reactions in our body that are sometimes similar to the reactions that occur in drug use.

We have all experienced Carbohydrate Sedation!

Anyway I just thought I'd share, I'd like to hear what other people think of this.

So many of us struggle every day with trying to have a good, healthy relationship with food, if it were that simple and easy wouldn't more of us be successful?

I looked around today and joined some communities,
I think that I need help in order to get on the right track.
Maybe I just need a little push or a little inspiration to get me going :-)
It'll be ok...right :-)

I have been feeling really down lately.
I feel almost desperate to be able to cry and feel better.
I don't see myself feeling better right now though.
I am extra sensitive about everything even thinking back a couple of months makes me want to cry.
I am hoping it's just PMS but I can never tell what it is when I am going through it.

I have been off of Paxil and every other medication for two months and i think it takes 3 to be fully out of your system.

So maybe it's that too, I just don't know.

I know that things will get better but I feel so anxious for things to change.
I want to do things now I want everything to change right now before my eyes.
and maybe it is. maybe that's what I need to remember that things are changing at this very moment before my eyes and what I am feeling is most likely left over frustration from so much time spent feeling trapped and hopeless in so many ways.

I guess I need to own these feelings

Maybe it's just all about me taking ownership of all this and conciously making a difference in my life.
I need to establish a routine that works for me and that prioritizes the things that are healthy and good for me at this point in my life.

I am always happier when I am more productive.

Maybe it's just getting started that is the the hardest.

I have finally started a Journal specifically for all the Surgery related things that I have to say :-)

I think that this will be really healthy for me and very informative and helpful for others as well.
~hugs